Jan 11 2014

Lately

I don’t know if you’ve noticed (and if you didn’t, please lie and tell me you did), but I haven’t written much lately. Here are my excuses:

- I have enough energy to actually be really focused on work.
- I’m a lawyer, so the last thing I want to do after writing all day is to write more.
- I’m still not fully back up to normal speed, so my focus at work drains me for the creativity necessary to write.
- Blah blah blah blah.

The true problem is that writing about what I’ve been dealing with lately is hard. Really hard. I’m no longer dealing with the physical symptoms of chemo or cancer. (Well, sort of, but I can only talk about fertility or being out of shape for so long before I start boring even myself.) I’m dealing with this amorphous, ethereal mental/emotional something that I can barely wrap my arms around.

“How are you doing, Lydia?”
Honest answer? I have no clue. Literally.

Physically? I’m completely different than I have ever been. A different weight, a different shape, an athlete trapped in an unathletic body.

Mentally? No idea. Not as…something…as before. I’m not slower, I’m not less educated, but I’m not something. How does it manifest itself? I’m not really sure, but I know it’s different. I have more patience for jumping through certain mental hoops (editing, document review) but less for others (problem solving, complex situations).

Emotionally? In many ways, completely fucking freaked out. My body doesn’t work the way it used to. My brain doesn’t work the way it used to. People don’t treat me the way they used to. Some very fundamental ways that I have achieved the extraordinary success in my life are different. I’m very used to being personally and professionally successful in very specific ways. Those ways are now different, but I have no idea what they are. I’m in this weird limbo-land, and I don’t know where I’m going to land.

So…this is why I haven’t been writing. The problem is that since I can no longer go for a long run to process all of this crap, writing is my only way to process it. So, here’s my promise to myself: I’ll start writing again. Even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense, even if there’s no answer at the end of the paragraph, even if it requires me to admit that I’m different (for the moment, at least) in ways that I don’t like at all.


12 Responses to “Lately”

  • Gabrielle Hill Says:

    Thank you for finding words for your unknowable.
    Love, Mom and Dad

  • Kate Says:

    Yes! Write like the wind! So happy you’re back at it.

  • John Mutz Says:

    I think the thing to remember is that your are an extraordinary women and it sounds like you are opening yourself up to a new inquiry and you don’t know how it will unfold. That is the thing about inquiry. What I do know about you is that you have the capacity for anything!
    Look to music and poetry or nature if you can.
    Thank you for sharing and much love to you Lydia.
    John

  • Dawn Says:

    Notes from a strange land. Sounds like a plan!
    I love you. – Dawn

  • Ange Says:

    Welcome to limbo-land…… Passport – not required. Check out date – not required. Destination – completely unknown….if once known…is now long forgotten.
    Next stop…..ah……nobody knows. Enjoy your stay. Enjoy the ride. You never know what you’ll discover once inside.

    Love Dr Suess. (Or a very bad attempt at such)

    Xxx

  • Mary S. Says:

    Dear One, I understand all too well. All I know is to find joy in the present. You have so much ahead that will bring joy as well. That’s a big enough challenge for today. Love to you, M.

  • Dea Butcher Says:

    Just right. And so are the responses in my opinion. Life is a journey full of the unexpected. .being open and curious and patient would be my recommendation but do whatever you want and follow your bliss.

  • Scott C. Says:

    Ok…what you describe above is quite similar to how I felt in my early 30s. So leave some room for the possibility that you may actually be completely normal (leaving some room for some of the obvious physical experiences)!

  • heather Says:

    brave, strong and beautiful. you may not know how or what to be and feel… but we know, and love, every inch of you, even when you are unable to put words to each part of your being.

  • Bobbie Hillman Says:

    You are an amazing woman. You’ve been through such an order and walked such a different path than the one you were on. You’ve never given up and keep plugging along. I know there is so much hope ahead and you will come through all of this. Look to nature, maybe a garden in your new home, poetry, Tai Chi. Whatever appeals or calls to you. Know that uou are very much loved by friends and family.

  • Gus Says:

    I thought there would be more recipes posted. Wait, this is a food blog, right?

    I kid, I kid. But I both take some comfort in what Scott C. says above and second it. I feel like as we are in each new decade it all becomes so much more amorphous. 0-10? Easy, do what mom and dad say.
    10-20? Still pretty easy, go to school, go to college.
    20-30? Now it’s getting trickier, but grad school might take a chunk and the rest of it you just feel like hard-charging against the world and take some comfort in the feeling you’re always moving “forward” (though towards what or where, who knows?).
    30-40? Uh-oh. Way too much time to go to “move forward” with destination unknown. Treated like a grown-up by the world but feeling much closer to that just out of college you. Looking around and seeing enough that seem to have it “figured out” to freak you out (but luckily enough that aren’t even close to keep you sane!).

    So where to go from here? If you find out, let me know! But fortunately, someone created OnDemand TV, so that should buy us all a year or two I hope.

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